Yet another Book recommendation (non-fiction)

[justalurkr]

I don't fritter away all my time on science fiction, romance, thrillers and mysteries. I try to have at least one "improving" book going on the MP3 or Kindle at any given time, some for longer amounts of time than others.

This is one I had no idea would be so improving: Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, and one of the reasons the "try a sample" function on the Kindle is a devil-born hole in my wallet. The title of the book dissimulates slightly: this isn't just any American mother, this is a middle class, neurotic, New York mother who knows where it's possible to shell out $600 for a Baby Bodyguard to babyproof your chichi loft. Part observation on French child rearing as contrasted to American, part memoir of expatriate life in Paris with children, the book is wholly entertaining and thought-provoking.

No, I do not now nor does it appear likely I will ever be raising actual human children who exist outside my head. I do, however, have an Inner Brat and two cats. (I suspect le cadre will work some better on Brat than cats, but anything is worth a try.) It didn't occur to me until a French mother told the author to say "no" like she meant it that we all have an Inner Brat to deal with, and how often do we mean no when saying it to ourselves? Plus, the fall-out from having no fixed schedule for meals and sleeping is as obvious in my own life as it is in the lives of American toddlers.

Which reminds me: I appear to be late for work. Oops.

Comments

[nialla]

I've been looking at that one to add to the library collection.

Not sure the type of details the book goes into, but with a visit to France, knowing people there with kids, and generally watching way too many documentaries about how American and European work and family ethics are, I have to say the French seem to get a pretty good deal.

Many Americans react rather violently to the idea of paying more taxes, but they can't see that it evens things out and allows people to have more time to enjoy their life by providing health care, child care, and many other benefits (depends on the country). Or, more likely, they don't like the idea that some of their money might help someone else. Even when they'd actually be the ones to benefit more.

The most difficult "no" for me is splurging on something like electronics or books. I'm better on the books since I work in a library and can get most of them for free, but electronics still call to me. Used to be as soon as I got my tax refund back, I'd be trying to figure out which gadget to buy. This year, I was good and stuck it in my savings account, which adds an extra step if I want to get to it.

It's partly an "OMG my car died!" fund, just in case, but I'm also looking at it as an emergency fund if my insurance won't cover my migraine treatment. I'm acting all grown up, but inner child still wants a toy.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

The author does have a side discussion that covers feminist rhetoric, the way married couples in France and America interact and what all that has to do with child rearing. She hasn't actually discussed the criticisms I've heard in the past of what all that enjoyment of life is costing France in terms of productivity, and in light of what been going on in Greece, I'm a little surprised more people reviewing the book aren't drawing comparisons.

The discussion covers the fact that by any objective measure, American feminists are both angrier and more successful than their French sisters, at least in terms of income. The anger is at their husbands who do not meet expectations of sharing the domestic workload irrespective of nationality. The difference for French women is that they have no expectation of their husbands actually taking an equal part, whatever he might profess as an article of faith because men are that other species. Well, they have no expectation of 50/50 split. I think the French women who land with more than 60 or 70% of the domestic workload are just as angry as their American sisters.

Despite the slightly better pay equity in America, the author does make the point that the French state does way more to make balancing work outside the home and motherhood possible than the US of A, which isn't saying much, as anything is more than the US of A does at the federal level. Other than the health care, France subsidizes childcare nearly from birth to age two (the creche system,) then preschool (ecole maternelle) and eventually university for those who qualify. It isn't clear to me whether there's a fee for some of the intermediate education like there is in other parts of Europe.

If I were a mom, it's entirely possible I'd be willing to take a wage hit if I got real support for quality child care. Given that the creche system involves graduate work for the caregivers and chefs for crying out loud, I'd say there's some quality child care going on there.

[khek.livejournal.com]

I probably won't have kids myself either, but I've done quite a bit of babysitting and "aunting" to know how to say "no" and set limits.

However, working with kids and their parents, I'm AMAZED at how many people can't...or won't. I've seen adults begging their two-year-old to finish what they're doing so they can leave and parents bargaining with middle grade kids to do their homework . Ive seen kids ordering their parents around and telling them what they're going to do...and their parents caving to their demands. Parents often blame someone else when they want to enforce kids behavior but don't want the responsibility---they regularly blame me if their want the kid to behave ("If you don't stop screaming/running/throwing books/kicking your sister the librarian is going to kick us out and never let us come back") and I've seen them blame others too ("If you don't come with me right not, I'll have to call the police to come and take your home")

I've requested that our adult librarian buy a couple copies of this book, and I want to read it when it comes in! If I like it, I may even buy a copy or two and leave them "conveniently" where parents with issues can find them!

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

The chapter on parental authority opened with a story about the author at a park with one of her hard-won French friends and all of their children. The two women couldn't have a nice chat because the author had to stop talking and chase down one of her toddlers periodically. The French mom suggested she say no like she meant it, and the author used a sharp, louder tone of voice the next time the kid made a break for it. French mom says "don't shout, say it like you mean it," and as the story progressed it boiled down to the author figuring out she didn't really believe in her own authority over the kids. In our culture, it's become accepted that once you are a mom, you are no longer anything else because you have to "chase after" your children and/or bargain them into obedience, which I guess is better than all the beating into obedience that used to go on, but doesn't really get any better results in terms of mentally and emotionally balance families.

The French accept that children are part of their lives, but not their whole lives. They also accept that a child with no or too flexible limits isn't actually a happier child. The whole authority dynamic starts with French parents believing "it's I who decides," and understanding that they should be very sparing with the word "non," because when they say it, they absolutely must mean it. There's a lot of Jean-Jacques Rousseau quotes in there, one of which concerns letting your "no be as a wall of brass." In other words, French parents think things through before saying yeah or nay, so they won't say no to anything that's actually negotiable.

Most American parents I know are committed to the idea that their children are their lives and their number 1 excluding all else priority and that bringing them up is going to be a struggle from day one, and that "parental authority" was that "spare the rod, spoil the child," authoritarianism that should be avoided at all costs. How is someone like that going to believe in their own "no" enough that the kids will even pause?

The book is clearly very pro-French parenting, but doesn't overlook areas that get criticized by other people. Even before the author started mentioning a few of those in passing, I was think about Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, and how there ought to be a medium. Chua is raising well-behaved kids who achieve but are probably going to knife someone (her or themselves, sounds like a draw from what I hear of the book,) while the French are raising well-behaved children who enjoy and appreciate life, but are not expected to meet any other specific achievement.

Can't we have well-behaved, non-crazy go-getters?