The chapter on parental authority opened with a story about the author at a park with one of her hard-won French friends and all of their children. The two women couldn't have a nice chat because the author had to stop talking and chase down one of her toddlers periodically. The French mom suggested she say no like she meant it, and the author used a sharp, louder tone of voice the next time the kid made a break for it. French mom says "don't shout, say it like you mean it," and as the story progressed it boiled down to the author figuring out she didn't really believe in her own authority over the kids. In our culture, it's become accepted that once you are a mom, you are no longer anything else because you have to "chase after" your children and/or bargain them into obedience, which I guess is better than all the beating into obedience that used to go on, but doesn't really get any better results in terms of mentally and emotionally balance families.
The French accept that children are part of their lives, but not their whole lives. They also accept that a child with no or too flexible limits isn't actually a happier child. The whole authority dynamic starts with French parents believing "it's I who decides," and understanding that they should be very sparing with the word "non," because when they say it, they absolutely must mean it. There's a lot of Jean-Jacques Rousseau quotes in there, one of which concerns letting your "no be as a wall of brass." In other words, French parents think things through before saying yeah or nay, so they won't say no to anything that's actually negotiable.
Most American parents I know are committed to the idea that their children are their lives and their number 1 excluding all else priority and that bringing them up is going to be a struggle from day one, and that "parental authority" was that "spare the rod, spoil the child," authoritarianism that should be avoided at all costs. How is someone like that going to believe in their own "no" enough that the kids will even pause?
The book is clearly very pro-French parenting, but doesn't overlook areas that get criticized by other people. Even before the author started mentioning a few of those in passing, I was think about Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, and how there ought to be a medium. Chua is raising well-behaved kids who achieve but are probably going to knife someone (her or themselves, sounds like a draw from what I hear of the book,) while the French are raising well-behaved children who enjoy and appreciate life, but are not expected to meet any other specific achievement.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2012-03-04 01:34 am (UTC)The French accept that children are part of their lives, but not their whole lives. They also accept that a child with no or too flexible limits isn't actually a happier child. The whole authority dynamic starts with French parents believing "it's I who decides," and understanding that they should be very sparing with the word "non," because when they say it, they absolutely must mean it. There's a lot of Jean-Jacques Rousseau quotes in there, one of which concerns letting your "no be as a wall of brass." In other words, French parents think things through before saying yeah or nay, so they won't say no to anything that's actually negotiable.
Most American parents I know are committed to the idea that their children are their lives and their number 1 excluding all else priority and that bringing them up is going to be a struggle from day one, and that "parental authority" was that "spare the rod, spoil the child," authoritarianism that should be avoided at all costs. How is someone like that going to believe in their own "no" enough that the kids will even pause?
The book is clearly very pro-French parenting, but doesn't overlook areas that get criticized by other people. Even before the author started mentioning a few of those in passing, I was think about Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, and how there ought to be a medium. Chua is raising well-behaved kids who achieve but are probably going to knife someone (her or themselves, sounds like a draw from what I hear of the book,) while the French are raising well-behaved children who enjoy and appreciate life, but are not expected to meet any other specific achievement.
Can't we have well-behaved, non-crazy go-getters?