The wicked stepmother of all purge diets

[justalurkr]

So, last year I had that birthday where they say "Happy 50th, now stop eating and drink all of this, 8 ounces at a time every 10 minutes and see us in the morning so we can

examine your innards," and stalled for a year. Even though my mother has managed to avoid the indignity of this particular screening, she is applying the maternal guilt monkeys on me.

Informationally speaking, I have amassed:
1 (one) gallon jug with the goo mix at the bottom for purposes best left unstated
1 (one) GymBoss interval timer set with five hours' worth of 10 minute intervals
2 (two) gallon jugs of clear juice (no red or purple allowed) for purpose of not drying up and blowing away
2 (two) gallons of bouillon, chicken and beef flavored, organic, low sodium (see juice above)
1 (one) package of 8 ounce disposable cups for the purpose of crushing and tossing vehemently
1 (one) package extra wide straws on recommendation of actual materials that come with the gallon jug
1 (one) Costco sized package of flushable wipes for purposes (again) best left unstated
The following reading material:
1 (one) loaded Nexus 7
1 (one) wi fi enabled laptop
Copies of the following magazines:
Outside
Women's Health
BeadStyle
Clean Eating
Weight Watchers
Eating Well
....though I will probably stick to non-food related subjects as the afternoon wears on to adhere to the clear liquids only portion of the procedure. I can already advise that once mixed, the goo does not appear particularly goo-like, but clear. I was lead to believe that chalkiness lay in my future, but this looks okay.



Further information for those facing this procedure as it becomes relevant.

Comments

[nialla]

I've already been through that one, back when they did the "We can't figure out why you're waking up at 4 in the morning feeling like your stomach is trying to eat itself."

A helpful hint: once you mix up the stuff, pour a dose in a cup and stick it in the freezer. The colder it is, the less nasty it is. It's a type of salt, so it's very difficult to keep drinking it after the first few doses. Have two cups (I used Pyrex measuring cups) and alternate as you go (and go, and go, and go...).

Another thing to add to your list is lip balm, even if it's just plain petroleum jelly. As I said, it's a type of salt, and your lips will get very dry, which makes continued drinking even more fun.

I've had the chalky (barium) tests too, and at least that was just one glass of it, and they let me rinse my mouth out.

Good luck!

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

Was locked in the bathroom by the time you posted, but will file this excellent advice for the future.

[nialla]

Oh, I should have warned you about being parked in the bathroom. Most people who haven't done it think they drink this stuff every few minutes, go potty a couple of times, and it's done.

Er, no. Before you're done, your ass will be numb and you will totally regret every choice you made in regards to food for the week prior. There may or may not be promises made to god(s) light and dark if it will just STOP.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

Oh, I had been warned by the nurse in the prescribing office. I was prepared with the Johnny Depp oeuvre to distract me when I got too uncomfortable to concentrate on slash.

Now, that's uncomfortable.

[nialla]

It's very difficult to read fic with butt sex when you feel like your colon is trying to leave your body by any means necessary.

When will you get test results?

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

Oh, they read'm right there, and if the anesthesiologist hadn't taken me at my word ("Put me down hard, doc, you really don't want me waking up during this and I have a history of doing so") I would have known within 15 minutes of the procedure. At that time, however, I was still drooling into my pillow, so the butt doctor left the results (all normal) with the nurse and scurried off to her next procedure.

Well, I apparently need to crack open that bottle of fiber supplements you recommended about eleventy years ago, as there was (ahem) evidence of a need for a higher fiber diet. (I have no idea how to spell it, but begins with "hem" and is in my case entirely internal.)

Further suggestion from the medical staff concerning a liquid diet, then soft/bland food, then whatever when I was feeling better (plus savage caffeine withdrawal headache) resulted in the following consumption:
Six pack of diet Coke (throughout the afternoon) --totally counts as liquid.
Bowl of top ramen with corn and chimichurri salsa --soft, with bland being relegated to sissies
A period of outrage resulting from the discovery of NO CHOCOLATE ON PREMISES and I'm not allowed to drive anywhere to get some
An entire frozen medium supreme pizza from Whole Foods Market, which of course makes it suitable for recovery fare.

I might regret this later, but I finally feel not full, but not ready to gnaw on the kitchen cabinets for sustenance.

[nialla]

You're making me ponder what my reaction to anesthesia would be like now. When my pain level was really bad, I had an injection done in my neck that required being sedated. They told me it wouldn't completely knock me out, but would keep me smoothed out enough to not care or move, which isn't a great idea when they're putting a needle close to your spine.

I was wide awake the entire time, talking with the doctor, tech, and nurses, except when they told me to be absolutely still for the actual injection. They told me they'd never seen anyone that alert during the procedure, and it was probably because my pain level was so high it laughed at IV sedation.

I think the fiber supplement I told you about ages ago was the dry kind, and I've found one I like better. Vitafusion Fiber Well Gummies are sugar-free and taste more like candy than fiber.

The link is to the plain version, but they also make variations with multivitamins, another with calcium (a bit gritty IMO, but I'm often taking them during the night and don't want to drink water), and now I see there's a "weight management" type, which is just adding B vitamins, which are supposed to be beneficial to your energy level and metabolism. Though honestly, fiber all by itself can be part of a weight management system, because you can chew a couple of these and it will help relieve mild hunger pains.

They will no stop chocolate craving, even if you ate the entire bottle. There is no miracle cure for chocoholism.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

The first surgery (repairing the retina, likely close to an hour) I woke up loopy enough to enjoy the laser show going on in my eyes as a Star Wars Revue sans slash. When I heard the surgical team discussing vacation plans, I asked "should I be awake?" ...then wasn't anymore. :D

The second time I woke up from twilight was the cataract surgery, which I think lasts all of five or six minutes if the eye guy takes a bathroom break, so keeping anyone down would be a challenge. I came up extremely alert for that one.

I have no pain tolerance to speak of (I suspect Rodney McKay would bear up more stoically,) so I was quite emphatic with the staff. The ick factor associated with the Procedure alone made being out like a light desirable (and I was, thank Whoever;) the discomfort was not even near my To Do list. The nurse putting in the joy juice said "This may cause a funny taste in your mou..." and then I was waking up in recovery with God's own case of gas.

I do not envy you your pain tolerance; getting it was hell.

[nialla]

The second time I had an endoscopy, they were also going to do a colonoscopy while I was under. It was a two-fer for knockout drugs.

Unlike my first endoscopy, they put the mouthpiece in before attempting to knock me out. Not a great idea for someone with extreme jaw pain. The medical team was jabbering away, while I was about to claw the thing off my face. They made the reassuring noises about swallowing normally and the gagging sensation would stop. I finally managed to get out "T.M.J!" around the lump of plastic and the anesthesiologist was like "Whoops!" and that's the last I remember.

I'm not exactly sure what my pain tolerance is now. Since I've been getting the Botox shots for migraine, I can definitely tell things feel different. The migraines I do have aren't as strong (though a lot of the other effects are still very much there), but I feel other aches more than I did without the haze of constant pain.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

By the way --- if I recall correctly, you were still somewhat slogging through that "why are your innards trying to eat themselves" phase with extra added "are you SURE I can't live without chopping my head off? the pain is ALMOST like having no head" excitement, and you had reached some sort of tummy-gnawing management rapprochement with crackers in the wee hours before I dropped down the well of isolated depression and stopped paying attention to anyone but myself and the cats, who WILL NOT be ignored.

Short version: did anything ever get figured out about your innards, and was the insurance company ever persuaded to get its head out of its ass on the topic of paying for successful headache treatments?

[nialla]

Cracker management moved on to the dry chewable fiber tablets that didn't require water, which has been replaced by fiber gummies that are much more tasty and not dry and gritty.

Never got a definitive answer on the stomach issue, but the last gastroenterologist I saw did a ton of tests and couldn't find anything wrong. However, he said my description of the pain being like hunger pains suggested they actually were hunger pains. Normally the body goes into a standby mode when you're sleeping, which slows down things so you don't get hungry or need to pee (as much). Apparently mine doesn't, and I have to trick my hungry system into accepting two gummies as enough food to shut it the hell up so I can go to sleep.

Did have a sleep test done, but that was a complete joke. Even the tech who was setting it up said as much. A company was setting up a new clinic and this poor guy was the only person actually onsite. He had to do patient registration, wire us up (which takes about 45 minutes), and monitor us all night. I think he had 3 patients the night I was there. I never got a report back, and when I called the out-of-state office, I got the distinct impression they didn't want me to have a consult with an actual doctor after the fact because they didn't have anyone assigned to the clinic and they'd have to pay a large sum for mileage.

I kept moving on from neurologist to neurologist for a while, determined to find someone who could make this stop. Finally found one who said "I can't do it, but I'm sending you to someone who probably can."

Told the new guy I essentially wanted to start over. I wanted to tell him what my symptoms were now, versus what the other doctors wanted me to do, which was detail the downward spiral of the last 20 years first. Then they'd get stuck on old symptoms that weren't a big deal now.

He listened to me, gave me a list of the usual meds given for migraine, handed me a highlighter and said to go to town marking what I've tried (everyone else expected me to remember every sample drug I'd ever taken). He looked over what I'd marked, then said what I'd been told was neuralgia was actually a migraine. All. The. Damn. Time. 24. 7. The crippling pain that left be bedridden? A spike in the usual migraine that was enough to break through my pain tolerance.

So after months of the clinic staff trying to get the pharmacy company that the insurance company uses to approve prescriptions to approve Botox for migraines, I was at the point of considering medical leave, disability, something.

My doctor finally called and spoke directly to the person who denied my claim more than once, tore him a new one, found out he was not a neurologist but a pediatrician who had no experience dealing with migraine treatment. Apparently this was high entertainment in the clinic, and I still get some "Oh, it was your claim the doctor went nuts on the pharmacy guy over. That was fun" comments.

After that, it was approved very quickly, and the word came down while I was already in the clinic for a follow-up. The guy who deals with insurance companies knocked on the door with the news, and within 20 minutes I'd had my first treatment. Going back for my third one this Friday. Went from 1 - 3 migraines each week to 1 - 3 each month, and they're not nearly as strong as they were.

Bonus point! I've lost about 20 pounds since starting treatment and I'm not even tryin. It's amazing what can happen when you're able to get out and have something resembling a life again.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

Well, the bits about the treatment of the neverending migraine and insurance pede in denial sound promising, as does the 20 pound weight loss. (Don't worry, it didn't go far; I've found it and given it a good home through stress eating and thinking rilly rilly hard about exercise as a theoretical concept.)

[khek.livejournal.com]

Yuck.

I've gone through The Procedure three times already. That's what happens when you mother has colon cancer; my doctor started me in my 30s, after she found out. They've just now dropped me back to every five years instead of every two/three.

Nialla is right. The colder the drink is, the easier it is to get down. My sister said she had ice cubes on sticks that she sucked on first, to numb her tongue. I didn't try that, but it sounded smart. It wasn't actually as bad as I'd feared, but I had heard horror stories and thought it would be much, much worse.

Good luck! I hope it goes quickly!

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

Was locked in the bathroom by the time you posted, but will file this excellent advice for the future.

Another patient in recovery had heard horror stories, but we concluded that those people didn't get the good stuff sedated properly. :D